Goodbye

I have decided that while I find all of you in blogland so inspirational....its time for me to stop comparing myself and do this journey by myself.

Even though I love reading all your posts and success's in weight loss....it just reminds me that I'm not having any. I am not feeing too happy and I'm trying to do anything that will help to bring me out of this funk. So until I am happy enough within myself to stop comparing myself to everyone else, I will be absent.

Weight loss isn't easy for anyone, but for some reason....its completley eluded me. Almost four months with a band and I have lost 2kg. I have 6mls in my band. Depression is eating my life up.

I look forward to reading about everyone's success's when I return in however long...3 months, 6 months, a year, who knows. Hopefully then I can feel genuinely happy for you guys instead of just feeling so jealous and wondering why I'm the only one out there whos a failure.

Thank you for the continued support you have all given me. I honestly wish everyone the best and I think you are all amazing. You are all changing your lives and its incredible.
Merry Christmas everyone.

My explanation

I haven't posted in a week. I haven't even been online really at all. The reason why.....is honestly because I'm ashamed.

I see all your positive posts, I see how great the Lap Band is working for everyone else, and I feel to embarassed to post my own thoughts and dealings with the Band.

The truth is - the band isn't what I thought it would be so far. I'm worried I will fail. I'm worried I'll stay the way I am forever.

I'm only 20. I think I jumped the gun a little bit in getting the surgery. I don't regret it, because I really wanted it. But I'm just sad. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up food. I've only been overweight for 4 years. I'm still obsessed wth food. I simply love it. I know I have to decide what I want more :to be thin and healthy or the taste of food for one second?

But its a lot harder than just that. I'm not sure I have it in me, and I'm honestly ashamed. I feel like I'm the only one to ever fail with a lap band. So thats why I've been absent.

HELP!!

I know I have been a horrible blog friend lately, I am so behind in reading and what not. I have a semi excuse - I had my wisdom teeth out and have been in bed since Wednesday.



Something happened this morning. I was sleeping in bed and I woke up with an indescribable amount of pain in my chest. Its a similar pain to what I get when I'm going to regurgitate because something is stuck in my band, but its so much worse I was so scared. It was eight am. At five thirty I had taken 2 panadol and 1 nerofen with a glass of milk because I was in a lot of pain in my mouth. I sat up for five minutes with that to make sure it went down. At seven am I was back asleep, and my mum came in my room to give me my antibiotic. I just took it with water and went back to sleep immediately. Then an hour later - BAM!!!



I tried lots of things. I got up and walked around, I drank milk, I tried water, then I tried forcing what ever it was down with half a piece of toast and some banana...it took about an hour before I was not crying. It was the most intense pain I've ever experienced in 20 years. All day I have felt like there is something in my oseophagus stuck still. Its not NEARLY as painful...but its just uncomfortable!!! I've drunk lots etc etc but I just have no idea what this is.



My friend with a band said it could be oseophagitis, inflammation of the osephagus but yeah. I just wanted to know what you guys thoughts was? Has this happened to anyone else?



Thank you in advance for any advice, it would be so appreciated!!

Weight Gain :(

Even though I have been feeling a LOT of restriction in my band, somehow, overnight I have put on 2kg.

I KNOW I probably shouldn't weigh myself everyday....but I am now the weight I was at surgery. That depresses me to.....no end. Even though I have only lost 2 kg since surgery, at least that was something. And now I'm back to surgery date?

Its just not worth it. I feel like shit. Crap. I hate my life.

I'm going to go have my wisdom teeth out. Yay.

Oh....I think I have a Lap Band.

I finally had my first incident of food getting stuck. I finally have had my first regurgitations the past two days. I KNOW that that is not necessarily a good thing....but its just nice to feel that I actually DO have a lap band there. Up until now I have felt NO restriction, so it really is so good to know that from here on out, things will get better. I can still eat more than I would like....but at least its a start.

I went to an Overeaters anonymous group yesterday. I've thought about it for a while and finally I just thought: Food will plauge me for the rest of my life, its time to take care of it now. It was amazing. The best part was I felt like I belonged. Its the first time in my life I've ever felt like people knew what I was talking about, and other people were in the same boat. I didn't feel judged. I felt as if these women were all in the same boat as me. That sense of belonging was just the best feeling I've had in so long. I will talk more about OA in the weeks to come....I'm too tired to type any more now. But I'm SO excited about OA, I think it will really help me. Theres lots to learn but I'm willing.

Also....I FINISHED TAFE!!!!! I'm still waiting to hear if I have passed all my exams but it is SO nice to not have to clean animal poo every morning. I am now sleeping in and watching lots of seinfield in bed. Its lovely!!

Failure

Thats what I feel like. Just a big failure. I look around the blog world and see everyone is at some point in their journey. They have lost either a little amount of weight or a huge amount of weight. I am no where. I have lost no weight. I have been banded for two months and I am no different.

I just feel like this is it for me. I know the band is a tool, I know I have to make my own choices. I know all of that. I'm just not good at it.

Why am I different? Why isn't it working for me? I feel like this is my lot in life. This is it, so just get used to it. I'll never suceed. This weight will plauge me for the rest of my life.

Another fill, and TWO fillings.

Yesterday I had another fill. My second fill. I now have 4.5cc in my band. Not feeling any different yet...but I'm going to try and stay positive. This will work for me EVENTUALLY. Its just taking its time :)

And I just got back from the dreaded DENTIST. Oh how I hate the dentist. I just had two fillings and boy did it hurt!! More than how much it hurts, I hate the feeling of the numbness and the swelling. I feel so weird and my tounge and cheeks are so fuzzy and gross. I have to watch out I don't accidently bite them because I can't feel a thing.

I have two exams left. One this afternoon and one on thursday. I failed the one I did yesterday, I just know I did. SO I will have to re-sit that one next week :( TAFE is almost over!!!

On the boy front....Hes trying to get me back. He is trying so hard. My heart says go back to him, and my head says "just let it go!!!"

I can't wait til exams are over. I'm going to spend hours on blogland :)