Its almost midnight, and my laptop is broken. So I'm sitting at a desk to write. I am SO tired and ready to fall into bed, but I have so much on my mind and blogging always makes me feel a little bit lighter. Its a healing process to. A few of you have mentioned I should see a psychologist, which I have been doing but she moved practises so I haven't seen anyone for a while. On Monday I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist so fingers crossed things with go well with her.
Since Friday I have had a very painful tooth and my jaw has been really sore. A dull thudding ache that was constant. I finally saw the Dentist yesterday because I couldn't deal with the pain. He said "Uh OH" as I opened my mouth. My back left wisdom tooth has come through and caused an infection in the back of my mouth. Its a veryyy big tooth and its mishapen and trying to take over other teeth's space. (Can't they just all get along!??) So I am on antibiotics for that, but that doesn't help the pain!! Tomorrow I have an x-ray to see if I can have all my wisdom teeth out ASAP to stop the pain.
Today at TAFE I had to watch 32 mice suffocate. We "humanely killed them," with CO2. I cried the whole time. Its the saddest thing to watch. We then had to practice breaking their necks (sorry if this is to much info guys,) because we need to be signed off that we can clearly break a mouse's neck. If I don't do it, I don't get my certificate. I cried so much and I closed my eyes. It was on a mouse that was already dead, but it still breaks my heart. So I spent three hours this morning crying because of the guilt I feel for these animals deaths.
Tonight I had dinner with my two best friends. We've always been the same size us three girls, a size 14-16. And now the girl who has always been the biggest is loosing so much weight. She looks SO different, and shes just loosing it all because of her busy lifestyle. She isn't even trying. And I KNOW that its good for her. I'm seriously, I really am happy for her that she is finally happy with her body. But now I'm the fat one in the group, I'm the biggest, I feel shit about myself and I feel SO jealous that she can loose 15kg in such a small amount of time with no lap band. There are logical reasons behind her weight loss, and I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. I feel like I'm the odd one out and I'm crap. I know its just my crazy head, but honestly....I just wish I wasn't me. I don't like me. I'm envious of strangers, of my best friends, of my sister, my MUM, anyone and everyone. The reason I'm envious is because (I think) that they are not me. I just wish I was like everyone else.
I swear one day I will stop complaining on my blog. A while back I posted a positive post. It will happen again one day. I suppose it all comes out on blog land because this is the only place I have to be 100% honest. Where else could I tell this all to? You are all supportive strangers, and I read what you guys say and take advice from it. If I told my friends this, they would think I'm a horrible person. Who knows.
I'm tired. I'm going to jump back online tomorrow to catch up on news in blogland and in my email inbox.
Don't worry about "complaining"! We are here to listen and for you to vent to :)
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only on who is envious, believe me! I'm glad you are going to see someone they might be able to give you some strategies on dealing with things.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have done the mice thing. That would have taken an emotional toll :(
I know exactly what you mean. I get envious of strangers and friends all the time.
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