Oh....I think I have a Lap Band.

I finally had my first incident of food getting stuck. I finally have had my first regurgitations the past two days. I KNOW that that is not necessarily a good thing....but its just nice to feel that I actually DO have a lap band there. Up until now I have felt NO restriction, so it really is so good to know that from here on out, things will get better. I can still eat more than I would like....but at least its a start.

I went to an Overeaters anonymous group yesterday. I've thought about it for a while and finally I just thought: Food will plauge me for the rest of my life, its time to take care of it now. It was amazing. The best part was I felt like I belonged. Its the first time in my life I've ever felt like people knew what I was talking about, and other people were in the same boat. I didn't feel judged. I felt as if these women were all in the same boat as me. That sense of belonging was just the best feeling I've had in so long. I will talk more about OA in the weeks to come....I'm too tired to type any more now. But I'm SO excited about OA, I think it will really help me. Theres lots to learn but I'm willing.

Also....I FINISHED TAFE!!!!! I'm still waiting to hear if I have passed all my exams but it is SO nice to not have to clean animal poo every morning. I am now sleeping in and watching lots of seinfield in bed. Its lovely!!

Failure

Thats what I feel like. Just a big failure. I look around the blog world and see everyone is at some point in their journey. They have lost either a little amount of weight or a huge amount of weight. I am no where. I have lost no weight. I have been banded for two months and I am no different.

I just feel like this is it for me. I know the band is a tool, I know I have to make my own choices. I know all of that. I'm just not good at it.

Why am I different? Why isn't it working for me? I feel like this is my lot in life. This is it, so just get used to it. I'll never suceed. This weight will plauge me for the rest of my life.

Another fill, and TWO fillings.

Yesterday I had another fill. My second fill. I now have 4.5cc in my band. Not feeling any different yet...but I'm going to try and stay positive. This will work for me EVENTUALLY. Its just taking its time :)

And I just got back from the dreaded DENTIST. Oh how I hate the dentist. I just had two fillings and boy did it hurt!! More than how much it hurts, I hate the feeling of the numbness and the swelling. I feel so weird and my tounge and cheeks are so fuzzy and gross. I have to watch out I don't accidently bite them because I can't feel a thing.

I have two exams left. One this afternoon and one on thursday. I failed the one I did yesterday, I just know I did. SO I will have to re-sit that one next week :( TAFE is almost over!!!

On the boy front....Hes trying to get me back. He is trying so hard. My heart says go back to him, and my head says "just let it go!!!"

I can't wait til exams are over. I'm going to spend hours on blogland :)

An apology

I feel like I've completley disregarded everyone in blog world this past week. Everyone has been so supportive towards me and so kind and helpful, and I haven't repaid the gesture. I haven't really been feeling like doing anything...being on the computer included, so I haven't read any blogs lately.

So an apology goes out to all you ladies that support me and I haven't shown anything back. Once I get out of my funk I'm going to return to blog world. But at the moment I'm still just trying to get through.

On a random note...it is really hot and muggy and disgusting where I live, but its also raining!! How werid. I hate hot weather!

Broken Hearted

My first break up with a boyfriend.

Sadness is eating me up. And in return, I'm eating up anything in sight. I've never hurt like this before. I can't stop thinking about him. This is horrendus.

If he just could stop drinking....we could be together. He is ringing a rehab place tomorrow....maybe theres hope? I hate this feeling.

Thank God for Blog.

Well I had my first fill today. I was really hoping for a change but I don't feel a bit different. I now have 4ml in my band. I don't have any restriction still.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so sad. I feel like its my lot in life to have bad luck. Lap Band works for everyone else, how come it doesn't work for me?

I am now just sitting here on the couch eating chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. I always feel tired, but there is nothing wrong with me apart from Depression. I've thought for a long time that theres something seriously wrong with me and the Doctors are just missing it. I said this to my psychatrist and she said its not unusual to think that, and my fatigue is normal for Depression.

I'm sick of it. Sick of the Depression, the eating, the sadness, TAFE, feeling like my life is going to be this way forever. The only relief I get is from writing this Blog! On my way home from work tonight I was just crying and felt like shit, I almost had a car crash. I just thought: God I can't write to let this all out on my blog.