Food Food Food

I'm eating to comfort myself. I can see it very clearly. I don't even have the energy to stop. I'm just feeling sad. My world isn't how I imagined it. I'm trying to change it. I have the appointment with a psychatrist tomorrow. I have a fill on Wednesday. My sister is going home to europe on Tuesday which is devestating. She lives there and I miss her so much all the time. I really don't know what to do about the boyfriend issue, I'm sure if I didn't have him no other man would ever want me.

And I saw a video of myself today and I thought 'God. That is NOT me. That CAN NOT be me. I'm so fat. So much fatter than I realised. And I have had lap band surgery. No difference. Wow. This sucks. I know the answer lies in how much I'm eating. But I can't make myself stop. Blah. I wish I could write about something good for once. I think I'm going to make myself write about something good tomorrow.

Wisdom teeth, a hard day and another dose of envy.

Its almost midnight, and my laptop is broken. So I'm sitting at a desk to write. I am SO tired and ready to fall into bed, but I have so much on my mind and blogging always makes me feel a little bit lighter. Its a healing process to. A few of you have mentioned I should see a psychologist, which I have been doing but she moved practises so I haven't seen anyone for a while. On Monday I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist so fingers crossed things with go well with her.

Since Friday I have had a very painful tooth and my jaw has been really sore. A dull thudding ache that was constant. I finally saw the Dentist yesterday because I couldn't deal with the pain. He said "Uh OH" as I opened my mouth. My back left wisdom tooth has come through and caused an infection in the back of my mouth. Its a veryyy big tooth and its mishapen and trying to take over other teeth's space. (Can't they just all get along!??) So I am on antibiotics for that, but that doesn't help the pain!! Tomorrow I have an x-ray to see if I can have all my wisdom teeth out ASAP to stop the pain.

Today at TAFE I had to watch 32 mice suffocate. We "humanely killed them," with CO2. I cried the whole time. Its the saddest thing to watch. We then had to practice breaking their necks (sorry if this is to much info guys,) because we need to be signed off that we can clearly break a mouse's neck. If I don't do it, I don't get my certificate. I cried so much and I closed my eyes. It was on a mouse that was already dead, but it still breaks my heart. So I spent three hours this morning crying because of the guilt I feel for these animals deaths.

Tonight I had dinner with my two best friends. We've always been the same size us three girls, a size 14-16. And now the girl who has always been the biggest is loosing so much weight. She looks SO different, and shes just loosing it all because of her busy lifestyle. She isn't even trying. And I KNOW that its good for her. I'm seriously, I really am happy for her that she is finally happy with her body. But now I'm the fat one in the group, I'm the biggest, I feel shit about myself and I feel SO jealous that she can loose 15kg in such a small amount of time with no lap band. There are logical reasons behind her weight loss, and I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. I feel like I'm the odd one out and I'm crap. I know its just my crazy head, but honestly....I just wish I wasn't me. I don't like me. I'm envious of strangers, of my best friends, of my sister, my MUM, anyone and everyone. The reason I'm envious is because (I think) that they are not me. I just wish I was like everyone else.

I swear one day I will stop complaining on my blog. A while back I posted a positive post. It will happen again one day. I suppose it all comes out on blog land because this is the only place I have to be 100% honest. Where else could I tell this all to? You are all supportive strangers, and I read what you guys say and take advice from it. If I told my friends this, they would think I'm a horrible person. Who knows.

I'm tired. I'm going to jump back online tomorrow to catch up on news in blogland and in my email inbox.

Envious

I'm not sure if I have explained this in a previous post or not, but I'm going to tell a short version of this. I had surgery booked for July, and I did the optifast 2 weeks prior. I stuck to it so well and I lost 7kg. Then I had a severe drug reaction on the morning of surgery, and we had to cancel it. So over the next month or so I put all that back on. Then surgery was booked again, and I just didn't have it in me to do the optifast again. I just couldn't force myself to. And my doctor didn't really care.

So I went into surgery having lost no weight. And then I lost 5kg the week after surgery, and I have since put 2kg back on. Because now, I can eat whatever I want again.

I'm frustrated. I'm so envious of all you other girls who start off with such a good weight loss. I mean....to be honest....I'm scared that I won't loose this weight. You guys are an inspiration to me. Usually I start a blog and I write for one day and I give up. But I actually want to read about you guys and hear your news and you make me think that I may be able to loose this weight, maybe it will just take me a little longer. I am so confused!!

I just don't know.

I am not sure I have much lap band related news. Yesterday I got a lot of chocolate. I'm slowly making my way through it.

I haven't had the best past few weeks. Feeling pretty low. My new antidepressents haven't kicked in yet I don't think. Yesterday I couldn't stop crying. It was horrible. I'm not a cryer. I just...I will cry maybe once a month. But yesterday I couldn't stop.

Things with my boyfriend are crap. He has an alcohol problem. Its not that he drinks often....but when he drinks he can't stop. Binge drinking. I know how hard it is to quick, because I've had to quit binge eating. On saturday night he did it yet again. It was his 8th chance. We have talked about this so many times until I feel blue in the face. I have tryed to help him get through it. He is seeing a psycholagist today to get help. But...I don't know how many times I can forgive.

I hate him for doing this to me. Because I can not break up with him. I love him. I have so much fun with him when hes sober. He is the tiny bit of light in my life at the moment. And then....when he drinks it all goes to shit. He is rude and says really hurtful things to me and just....I can't deal with it. He always promises he will never do it again, but he does.

If my friend was going through this, I would tell her to break up with him and hes a douche. But its a lot harder to do that in real life.

I feel a little hopeless and a little sad. I'm just waiting until I get my first fill. And I don't know if there was something wrong with my post last week because someone said they couldn't comment on it, but I felt a little alone in this big wide world.

Anyway, as someone at work told me last night: Its time to put put my big girl pants on and toughen up.

It couldn't last forever...

My positive posting. I was doing alright with things. Very busy, but things were ok and I wasn't feeling too low.

I feel pretty low now. I am absoloutely 190% exhausted. I don't know how I'm going to keep going with all this work at the resturant and at TAFE. I mean...its not just that. I just feel crap. I have exercised everyday for a week and barley had time to eat and I've put on .2kg. I know its not much....but I've put in such an effort to be good and to start the weight loss again and just...nothing.

I feel hopeless. I honestly feel like the band might now work for me. I feel like if theres a way to fail with it, I will be the one to fail. Cause hey, thats me. I'm good at failure.

Tonight I had dinner with a friend I used to be realllly close to. Last year we were both quite big, and I lost 17kg with weight watchers. Then told me I had motivated her to change to and she lost 30kg. Everyone went NUTS over her, told her how proud they were and how different she looked. She couldn't have got MORE praise.

My friends hadn't noticed or commented on the fact that I had lost 17kg before she had. I felt hurt, I felt invisible and I felt really angry that she got results I wanted. She has changed A LOT and is now not really the girl I remember. Thats great...I'm happy shes healthy and happy with her new boyfriend and new set of clothes. I just miss my old friend.

So I had dinner with her tonight. And I love her. I honestly do. But theres no one in the world that can make me feel so bad about myself. She lost 30kg by herself, and shes now a size ten. At dinner she took weight loss tablets, four of them. I asked her why and she said she was trying to still loose more weight. I would never tell her about my lap band cause shes judgmental. Just as I am.

I just feel so bad that she could loose weight and I couldn't. And I still can't. And I'm not happy with how I look I hate myself. And she was telling stories about her perfect boyfriend and their exciting sex life. I love my boyfriend, but the sex isn't exactly great. I'm so jealous of this girl.

I feel sad. All I want is to go to sleep with some chocolate. But that won't help the weight loss. But HEY, i've been eating well and exercising for a week and I put on weight. Who knows.

I just feel like I'll be in this body forever. What if the lap band doesn't help me?

Exhausted!

I am so tired...but it never ends. I have a couple minutes before I have to go to TAFE for a full day, I will then get home, have time to change and then go to work. I have been working five nights a week the past few weeks and I just don't have it in me. I'm too tired. I have never slept well and with this on top of it all...I am just a WRECK. I have been trying to exercise most days too which means OUCHHH my body is soooo sore. I did WII for about 90 minutes yesterday, and the days before that I went for long walks. My abs and my back HURT!!!

Food wise I have been quite alright I think. Its weird though, the scales say I have put on another kg. But to be perfectly honest....I don't care because weight fluctuates all the time and I don't feel bad about myself. I have honestly been trying to exercise and eat well for the past five days and I'm going to keep at it.

I'm so not looking forward to the next 8 hours of my life at TAFE. Cleaning animal shit. I'm so SICK of this. Its been almost a year!!! I can't believe I paid to do this course.

Enough complaining. I really need a coffee.
Hope everyone else is well!! I have been too busy/tired to get on lately so I have some catch up reading to do tomorrow. :)

Grrr!! Is it ok to comment about other peoples weight!?

I think NOT. Don't get me wrong, if you are family, or very close friends with someone, of course weight will be discussed and commented on. But I really don't think its cool that my boss told me tonight to "loose weight now."

Now I've got to put this into context for you guys. My boss is a female aged around forty. She has been overweight her whole life, and is a large woman, around a size 26 and medium height. Shes a lovely woman and a nice boss, and we get along well. Recently she has been sick and I noticed she looked a little slimmer, but tonight I found out she has lost 18kg in like 8 weeks. I asked her how and she said "I just havne't been eating." I told her she was 40 and she should know that thats not healthy, but she didn't care. I told her I had lost 4kg but didn't know how it would go from here. She said "Liz loose it NOW. Trust me. NOW. You don't want to wake up my age and be overweight." That part, I get. But the next part I don't get.

She said "I remember being your age, and being your size, well actually bigger. I hated my body, I never enjoyed life when I was that age. You should enjoy it now while you can Liz. Loose the weight now so you can actually enjoy it."

Well. I am a size 16. I am 6 foot tall. I never actually thought I was that bad. I know on the scales, YES I do need to loose a lot of weight. But I don't think I look bad. Apparently I'm wrong. Apparently I look like I need to loose it all now.

That made me really sad when I've just had surgery to stop this problem. I honestly am shattered right now. I didn't realise I was so huge to the world.

I LOVE WII!!!

I love wii!! I set up the wii and played the biggest loser today. It was SO much fun! I set up with a four week program and have a goal to loose four kg in that time. Today I did the 6 minute warm up, the 26 minute workout and am 8 minute cool down. It made me swear so much, I was dripping!! But it was a lot of fun and I'm so looking forward to trying to stick to this and seeing some results.
It's amazing how great exercise can make you feel. I'm off to work now, have a good weekend everyone.

A Good Day!??

I hear what your saying. Could this possibly be my first positive post?

It may just be.

Today I had an appointment with my TAFE counsellor and we worked out how I'm going to get the next 7 weeks done. Shes going to help me to pass. That is a HUGE relief off my mind because I honestly believe with her help, I can pass.

And secondly....I made up with my boyfriend properly :). Everything is all sorted out now and I'm really happy in our relationship again.

I am not thinking about food. I know that I will have to focus on it soon, but until my first fill I'm just going to chill. I'm not going to worry about weighing myself. If I put on weight...who cares. Because I'm going to loose it all. The lap band is going to help me over time. I don't mind if it takes me a year to loose my 40kg. So...I'm going to try and just keep my mind on other things.

On another positive note I got a WII today and a WII fit so I am going to start being active. I'm feeling okay. :)

BLAH!!!!

So I went to the doctor today. She said I havne't done any damage, just stick to mushies. Well...we will see how that goes. I also asked her to check me over because I have been feeling so unwell lately, and I have tonsilitis too! And I'm allergic to penicillin so I have to have this new weird antibotic and just...its all annoying.

I haven't been to TAFE this week because I've been feeling so off. My head isn't above water anymore...I don't know how much longer I'll last at TAFE. I hate even thinking about it.

Food/band related. Well. I really want to use a swear word right now.
Apparently I have 3mls in my band already!!! The doc looked at my surgery notes and she said the band was apparently loose in surgery so they put 3mls in. I CERTAINLY can not feel anything. And I asked if I could get a fill earlier and she said no, I had to wait for 6 weeks to heal properly. Thats fair enough...but I'm worried I'll pile weight on.
I had lost 5kg since surgery. I have put on 1.5kg. What an amazing failure I am huh.

You know what gets me down the most? I don't have the energy to make the effort. I can't be bothered to care about what I eat. Honestly...I just don't care. Yes I would LOVE to be slim and happy...but I've done diets. I've tried healthy eating. I hate it all. I JUST want to feel full. I really do. And I want to feel full from a small amount. I know I should be watching what I eat but I am so exhausted with life right now...its not first on my list.

I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm so lost. I'm wondering when life will sort itself out. How come some people get to sail through life, and others find it so hard? I just don't think I'll ever be normal.

Doctor Appt.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see the Doctor that does the fill's and everything to do with the lapband. Hopefully she will settle some of my queries.

On other news...I have been to chicken to weigh myself since Friday because I think I've put on weight, but I'm not hating the way my body looked today. I still have a lot to loose but yeah. I'll update with the photo I took today. I got a batman leotard for $10!! So I took the photo in the leotard.

Is it just a matter of time?

I went to bed four hours ago. Sleep still evades me. I think its this brain of mine. I keep thinking that I have no excuse NOT to loose weight now that I have the band. But the past four days I've put on weight because I'm excessively eating. I just can't wait until my first fill. And...is it just a matter of time? Until it all falls into place? Until I start loosing properly and I can see a difference?

I don't want to start putting on weight again...and also I'm so worried I'm stretching my pouch with all the eating I'm doing. Maybe I'm too immature to have a band. Will time help these issues....I certainly hope so.

I want to loose weight. I'm Desperate.

My first BYOC and other ramblings about my lack of sucess.

I have kept up to date with my blog and reading others for a week. I can do SOMETHING in my life! Thank god.

I was just over at Vanessa's blog at http://the-babbling-bandit.blogspot.com/ and I read her BYOC. So I thought I might do my first one!

1. If you wrote a biography on your life, what would the title be?

The black hole and the girl that tried to climb out of it.

2. Would you take $1 million dollars to leave your present life – including friends and family – to start over somewhere else? You’re leaving your physical location to never go back but you can contact them via phone and net and such. (You take your immediate family with you... spouse, kids, etc.)

This is going to be awful but....yes I would. As long as I had my family, I would leave. I've lived in the same place my whole life. This city has so many dark memories for me, and as much as I love my friends, 1 million dollars is a lot of money. As long as I could talk to my friends still, then I would manage. I think.

3. Are you a person everyone trusts or do you have trouble trusting everyone or both?

I think my close circle of friends (thats about 5 girls) trust me.I see them all very regularly and we share pretty much everything. There are no boundaries.

4. Looking back, if I asked you what one event changed the course of your life – and you had to answer immediately the first thing that popped into your head… what would it be?
This may be a little too full on, but the first thing that comes to mind is date rape. I was thin at the time. After that day, any calorie I could get into me, couldn't get into me fast enough. Thats when my weight issues started.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland

In blogland I've been loving it. For the first time in four years I feel people understand me and have experiences similar to mine. Its incredibly comforting to me.

In real life, its been full on. I went back to work last week. Its just a waitressing job, but it really does leave me exhausted. And is not the best because the food at the restaurant is the nicest I've ever had, so trying to resist it has been so bad. I failed at that. I have had solid food in my mushies stage. I feel horrible for that and my mum is making sure I know how disappointed she is in me. I feel like I can't do anything right with my lap band. I'm really worried that this won't work for me. I'm not feeling restriction and I'm terrified that I'm just not ever going to loose this weight.

So to sum up. I'm a really good complainer. I am feeling like crap and I'm scared that I've stretched my pouch and ruined my chances of loosing weight. My boyfriend has just admitted he has an alcohol problem, and we're taking time off (that was my descion) until he can prove hes changing. Thats killing me too. And the cherry on top is - Today is my first day back at TAFE. Yay.

Lets hope this week is better for all of us. I've just read a few other blogs with friends that are also struggling with food. So my fingers are crossed for all of us that we can be a little better this week.

The biggest ever, lap band cheater. Thats me.

I don't try to do it. I know the lap band is a way of life, and its not that hard to stick to the rules. So why do I cheat? Well, if I knew that, I probably wouldn't have needed lap band in the first place. I know its a big commitment, and I have been doing well. I was banded on the 23rd of September, and I did do the liquids for two weeks. I lost 5kg. So at least I did that. But mushies...well I kind of stretched the meaning of what mushies could mean. I thought if I mushed pasta up I could have that. But my mum found out and she got mad at me. It didn't get stuck or anything, but she still got mad. She also got mad (and understandably so,) because I ate a bite of bread just to see what would happen. Nothing did happen. But she was still mad.

I just miss the texture of food, and the taste. I KNOWWW its not that much longer until I can eat properly again. But I'm a foodie!! I love tastes and flavours. I know I can do the mushies, I just don't really want to. I am a big fat cheater.

On a plus, I have lost .4kg since last week. Yayyyyy. Its a tiny loss, but its something.

A Blue day

I have gotten pretty darn good at complaining on my blog. And I started less than a week ago. So hey, I may be bad at loosing weight, but I'm good at complaining about it.

I've had almost 2 weeks off from TAFE(where I'm studying Animal studies) and work. I'm a waitress at a verrrrry busy resturant. I've been there a year now, and I love the people I work with, but I've been in hospitality for five years. I'm ready for a break!! Just the thought of going back to TAFE wants me to hide under my bed and never come back. The thought of work makes me want to sleep for a year. I have 7 weeks left of TAFE and I am just praying that I can pass and get my certificate. I LOVE animals, but the stuff we have to do at TAFE is just not for me. I didn't realise how sensitive I was, and I thought loving animals was enough. I thought if I wanted to work with animals, all I had to do was to love them. But its so much more than that. Seven weeks, and in that time, I have to write 2 scientific papers that I haven't started, and do 1 oral presentation that has to last 15 minutes. I also have to do 10 practical sessions. The practicals are 3 hour blocks of cleaning up rat, mice and guinea pig poo. We have hundreds of mice, probably 100 rats, and only 20 guina pigs. Cleaning up after those mice takes hours and the smell makes me feel sick. I'm sick of cleaning. I've been cleaning up after these animals since Febuary. I'm a my last straw! I'm petrified that I won't make it seven more weeks. And that I'll fail these last components.

Well, that actually feels good to get off my chest. Its not band related, but I had to get it out anyway.

Onto my band....Is it even in me!?? I can't feel a thing. Today is day 1 of mushies, and I just had porridge. I had a big bowl and didn't feel a thing. I am desperate for my 1st fill.

Unintentionally messed up?

Soo I've been thinking about the fact that I'm starting mushies on Thursday, and I came to a realisation. I think I've started mushies without meaning too. I have been having reallllly thick soups and yoghurt. I'm really worried I've damaged my band or the placing, or something. I'm just freaking out a little bit.

Would you guys count thick soup and yoghurt mushies?? Do you think it will effect my band?

Its just a quick post from me tonight - I'm feeling incredibly dizzy and light headed. I'm changing some medication and the side effects are crazy. I have been weaning myself off this particular drug, by lowering the dosage. But today was my first day with no drug at all and I'm really feeling quite faint. Off to bed with me.

Any thoughts in regards to the mushies/liquids? Fingers crossed I haven't ruined my lap band already

Lazy Monday

Today has been fairly relaxing. I got up around 11am and took my baby(my dog that is) to the dog park for a run. He ran, I didn't. Then I gave him a bath and got myself the leftovers from last night. I had a risotto from a resturant, and I had asked them to puree it for me. It was sooo yummy. It was chicken, basil pesto, broccili and pea risotto. I had lots let over so I had it for breakfast and for lunch too. Its the tastiest thing I've had in weeks.

Then I had a lonnnnng conversation with my boyfriend. We almost broke up yesterday due to some not so nice words on his behalf. Saturday night he got very drunk and wasn't very nice to me. So we talked things through and he really wants to still be together. I said ok. But if I'm being super honest....I'm just saying ok because I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I still like him that way, and I'm not sure if I'm just staying with him because I don't want to be alone again. I suppose I will give it time to see if my feelings sort themselves out.

On weight related news, I didn't weigh myself today. I think I might do it just once a week. That seems the healthiest option. I have put protein in my food today but I'm still not feeling very full. I have a huge craving for some ice cream.

Tomorrow I'm going to join a gym. YAY! Its been a couple of years since I've been fit so I'm actually pretty excited about that. And then on Thursday I'm onto MUSHIES!!! Yayy. I can't wait until my first fill...but thats weeks away.

Liz x

Overwhelmed

Third post in a day....but this blogworld is amazing.

I am completely overwhelmed by how welcoming and supportive all you ladies in this little blog world are. It really makes me feel valued, and that's such an important thing.

So, I just wanted to say a huge thank you. After a week of feeling blue, I have had my spirits lifted today. Reading others stories and tips, meeting new people and getting advice, it all helps so much.

Tomorrow I'm going to tell you about my adventure to the restaurant tonight, I'm quite pleased with how it all went.

Sleep Well Aussies!
And....Good Day to everyone else :)
Liz x

I have a new love...his name is Protein.

The past few days I have been struggling with eating and not feeling full on liquids etc. Someone on the yahoo lapband boards mentioned that protein is really helpful at this point, so I have been adding protein powder to my liquids today and WOW! It makes a huge difference.

I have had a glass of Feel Good Iced Coffee and half a cup of thick chicken and artichoke soup today, and I am very full at the moment!!

I'm going out to dinner later with my whole family, but I'm still on just liquids. I rang the resturant and asked if they could puree a risotto for me and they said yes, so I'm excited about that.

I'm loving the blogging world already. I indentify with so many of the other bloggers out there, and sitting in bed on a Sunday reading all these different blogs....makes me feel better about my crazy life.

Happy Sunday Everyone. X

The Facts

How many Lap band blogs are there out there? Millions probably. Here's just another to add to the bunch.

My name is Liz and I'm 20 years old. I was banded 10 Days ago.

Getting banded was a decision I made by myself. I have been overweight for almost four years now, and the thought of being fat for the rest of my life scared me straight. I have tried alternative weight loss methods, I have lost 20kg with Weight Watchers, and ten weeks later I put it all back on.

The reason I am overweight - emotional eating. Head hunger. Comfort eating. Not feeling full. Never knowing when enough is enough. I have made so many excuses for my weight, and I'm sure that they are relevant, but the simple fact is that I ate a lot of junk food whenever I felt sad. And living with Depression for four years, I have felt sad nearly every damn day.

Before I put on weight 4 years ago, I had a very good relationship with exercise. I loved it, I went to the gym three times a week, as well as playing netball twice a week. I was a slim girl, but I had terrible body image. I thought I was fat. Huge. I was an Australian size 12. (I am six foot, so that is slim for me.) I am now a size 16-18. I look back at photos of myself and I wish that I can be that girl again. I LOVE that girl, she looks amazing. But at the time, I felt like shit.

I want to have a healthy relationship with my body, but its going to be a struggle. Growing up in a private all girls school, I observed and learnt a lot from the girls around me, and the standards they held. As a result, I have a weird relationship with food and my body. Before I got banded, if I felt extremely guilty, (which would only happen approx. 1 time a month) I would make myself throw up. If I wanted to loose a kg, I took laxatives.

I'm going to try and stop all of that now. I want to be normal. I want to have a normal relationship with my body. But before all of that, I want to be honest. I'm hoping that while I navigate the journey of having a Lap Band, that this blog will keep me sane.

I know that there are so many of you out there who are doing the same, and reading about your journey is uplifting. It gives me hope that in a year, someone might come across my blog and read from the start to the end and see my progress, and hopefully they will be inspired too.

Liz x