Monday, October 11, 2010

My first BYOC and other ramblings about my lack of sucess.

I have kept up to date with my blog and reading others for a week. I can do SOMETHING in my life! Thank god.

I was just over at Vanessa's blog at and I read her BYOC. So I thought I might do my first one!

1. If you wrote a biography on your life, what would the title be?
The black hole and the girl that tried to climb out of it.

2. Would you take $1 million dollars to leave your present life – including friends and family – to start over somewhere else? You’re leaving your physical location to never go back but you can contact them via phone and net and such. (You take your immediate family with you... spouse, kids, etc.)

This is going to be awful but....yes I would. As long as I had my family, I would leave. I've lived in the same place my whole life. This city has so many dark memories for me, and as much as I love my friends, 1 million dollars is a lot of money. As long as I could talk to my friends still, then I would manage. I think.

3. Are you a person everyone trusts or do you have trouble trusting everyone or both?

I think my close circle of friends (thats about 5 girls) trust me.I see them all very regularly and we share pretty much everything. There are no boundaries.

4. Looking back, if I asked you what one event changed the course of your life – and you had to answer immediately the first thing that popped into your head… what would it be?
This may be a little too full on, but the first thing that comes to mind is date rape. I was thin at the time. After that day, any calorie I could get into me, couldn't get into me fast enough. Thats when my weight issues started.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland

In blogland I've been loving it. For the first time in four years I feel people understand me and have experiences similar to mine. Its incredibly comforting to me.

In real life, its been full on. I went back to work last week. Its just a waitressing job, but it really does leave me exhausted. And is not the best because the food at the restaurant is the nicest I've ever had, so trying to resist it has been so bad. I failed at that. I have had solid food in my mushies stage. I feel horrible for that and my mum is making sure I know how disappointed she is in me. I feel like I can't do anything right with my lap band. I'm really worried that this won't work for me. I'm not feeling restriction and I'm terrified that I'm just not ever going to loose this weight.

So to sum up. I'm a really good complainer. I am feeling like crap and I'm scared that I've stretched my pouch and ruined my chances of loosing weight. My boyfriend has just admitted he has an alcohol problem, and we're taking time off (that was my descion) until he can prove hes changing. Thats killing me too. And the cherry on top is - Today is my first day back at TAFE. Yay.

Lets hope this week is better for all of us. I've just read a few other blogs with friends that are also struggling with food. So my fingers are crossed for all of us that we can be a little better this week.


  1. I'm so sorry about DO belong here.

  2. I TOTALLY understand the issues with working at a restaurant, it is such a struggle for me everyday!!

    I hate to be like this but do not let your mom make you feel bad for not being perfect, I will tell you I didnt stick to the mushies for a week and I am doing fine. Feeling guilty and beating yourself up about things is not going to make it ANY better, try to figure out what triggers bad behaviors, own up to them and do your best, thats all that you have to do.

    Remember, baby steps - you have to relearn your relationship with food and that is a process just because you had surgery you are not 'fixed,'

    And complain away, blog land is exactly where you should complain, we ALL understand, and we all do it, and we are all here to be your support. Us bloggers dont judge we motivate, remember this is a family and we want nothing but to help you!!!!

    You can do it girl!!!! I believe in you

  3. I complain allllll the time on my blog so dont worry about that. I have no idea why people even follow when i have so much word vomit on my page.

    Im sorry to hear about #4 thats horrible but it does make sense to see where you are at now.... becoming the person we are meant to be is an incredible journey.... i suffered heavly from depression and i was very mentally unstable for awhile there expecially in my younger years in trying to find myself.

    For all the horrible things that have happened in my past im strangely thankful because they have lead me to the path i am walking now which is one of a strong woman and you will do the same.

    The whole lapband thing is such a hard thing to comprehend and it takes a lot of willpower... sometimes i forget it is in there and i shoudlnt.

    We all have our weakness's, as long as you are aware of them and are concious of not letting them rule you then that will be ok. have faith in yourself..... dont have faith in other means, find it in yourself, dont worry about gods and other things, find strength in yourself it will be the best thing you ever do.

    ash x

  4. Thanks ladies...appreciate your support :)

  5. Hi Liz. I've been so busy I have only just now had a chance to catch up on your blog.

    I'm so sorry about #4 above. Gees, we have so much in common, despite our age difference. When I talk about my 'break down' in my blog, it was started by a similar thing happening to me. Although it wasn't date rape, my drink was spiked and I have no idea of what happened after that (I have some idea by I was out cold for most of it!).

    I so know how you felt, eating whatever you could to avoid the horrible feelings this kind of thing leaves you with. I did the same but first with drugs and alcohol and then when that was taken away, food.

    You are so strong and by your words so insightful for your age. Don't worry about not being perfect with the band just yet. Both of us are still at the early stage and without having a fill yet, its hard to be perfect and sticking to 1000 calories a day because we have no restriction, the key to this thing!

    So don't be so tough with yourself. Be kind and congratulate yourself for getting this far and get ready for things to start happening with the fills start happening.

    Thanks for sharing!