Monday, October 25, 2010

I just don't know.

I am not sure I have much lap band related news. Yesterday I got a lot of chocolate. I'm slowly making my way through it.

I haven't had the best past few weeks. Feeling pretty low. My new antidepressents haven't kicked in yet I don't think. Yesterday I couldn't stop crying. It was horrible. I'm not a cryer. I just...I will cry maybe once a month. But yesterday I couldn't stop.

Things with my boyfriend are crap. He has an alcohol problem. Its not that he drinks often....but when he drinks he can't stop. Binge drinking. I know how hard it is to quick, because I've had to quit binge eating. On saturday night he did it yet again. It was his 8th chance. We have talked about this so many times until I feel blue in the face. I have tryed to help him get through it. He is seeing a psycholagist today to get help. But...I don't know how many times I can forgive.

I hate him for doing this to me. Because I can not break up with him. I love him. I have so much fun with him when hes sober. He is the tiny bit of light in my life at the moment. And then....when he drinks it all goes to shit. He is rude and says really hurtful things to me and just....I can't deal with it. He always promises he will never do it again, but he does.

If my friend was going through this, I would tell her to break up with him and hes a douche. But its a lot harder to do that in real life.

I feel a little hopeless and a little sad. I'm just waiting until I get my first fill. And I don't know if there was something wrong with my post last week because someone said they couldn't comment on it, but I felt a little alone in this big wide world.

Anyway, as someone at work told me last night: Its time to put put my big girl pants on and toughen up.


  1. Aw Liz, I dont know what to say. In reality, yes you probably need to break up with him, but that's obviously going to be tough... On the other hand, maybe the psychologist will be able to help.

    How long till your first fill?

  2. I know how it feels with boys who binge..... they dont nescessarily drink ALL the time but when they do drink they go STUPID.

    Two of the guys i have just let back into my life are pretty heavy drinkers.... one has a snakes tounge like your boyfriend and one is really sweet when his drunk but then does stupid shit like break things and what not.

    YOU KNOW WHAT.... IT SUCKS!!! because you and i both know that actually these guys are amazing and when they are sober are so sweet and smart and are good human beings but put a can in their hands and they go stupid. Far out do i know how this feels.

    My ex was a drinker and a stoner.... he stopped drinking as much when we were together but still smoked heaps... i guess its hard because we cant do anything they are the only ones who can do seomthing, the thing that sucks is that you love them so much you want to help them change but its like talking to a brick wall.

    I so get this.

    I know its hard, but i know why you stay :)
    ahaha i wish i knew you in person so i could tell you the story of when i picked up Anton on Saturday night when he was drunk... oh golly. :P

    ps. thanks for the comments about the depression.... blergh nightime hits me hard.... i get so emotional and stupid... heres hoping this is a better week x

  3. I tried to comment on the last post and it didn't work :( Sorry you have felt so alone.

    I suggestthat you take some time and think about what you really want - make a list of these things and then look at surrounding yourself with people who will help you achieve these things on your list.

    I think it would be beneficial for you to look at seeing a psychologist too. I do. It's nice to be able to go and talk about things and having someone ask you those hard questions - which have those hard answers (that I tend to shut up with food and bury beneath my weight).

    I will continue to see a psychologist post op because I know that it will be a difficult time for me mentally - I know the band won't fix my life and I know that it won't fix your life. It won't even help you lose weight if you keep going back to easy (slider) food choices, and then the 'diet' cycle continues.

    Depression is horrid, but you can make it better little by little everyday by making those little changes that need to be made. Its not about toughening up its about finding the courage to look through the weight and see what the real problems are.

    I know you can do it. It will be a long hard road. Just know that you are not alone. There are many of us on this road, each with our own individual problems trying to keep our heads above water just like you...

  4. You're not alone. We're all here...even if we can't comment.

  5. Liz I just wanted you to know someone else was here reading and cares. :(

  6. Oh god. After living with addicts (2 alcoholics & 1 stoner) I can say in retrospect that the day you place value on yourself and say outloud "I'm better than this", you won't have that person in your life in such a big role. So many said it to me and I said the same thing I'm reading now.

    It's not up to us to get them better. It IS up to us to get US better.

    Ugh, love is hard isn't it?

  7. I'm so sorry to hear you have some struggles right now. Your not alone. Sending hugs!

  8. Hey Liz. So sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it. Depression is horrible and just makes everything seem yucky and terrible. I agree with Kelly that maybe you should see a psychologist. I see mine every three weeks now even though I'm heaps better than I was, but she's someone to go to for advice and to check in with. I find having someone who is not involved with my life and can be objective so good to talk to.

    Re your boyfriend, Candid Bandit is right, you can't fix an alcoholic. Its up to him to do something about getting sober. I understand though that if you love him, its so hard to leave. Drunks will always put themselves and their booze first, trust me I know! I was one! He can't be there for you 100% until he gets sober.

    How long have you been taking your new meds? Most don't have any therapeutic effect until you've been taking them for 14 days. Some are longer.

    I really hope things start to get better for you. Hopefully your fill will help get you back on track with your eating. And try not to compare yourself to your friend. Everyone's struggles are different. Plus it doesn't sound like she is losing her weight in a healthy way if she's popping diet pills! That sort of diet is doomed to fail and the weight will come piling back on as soon as she stops taking them.

    I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way!