Thursday, October 14, 2010


So I went to the doctor today. She said I havne't done any damage, just stick to mushies. Well...we will see how that goes. I also asked her to check me over because I have been feeling so unwell lately, and I have tonsilitis too! And I'm allergic to penicillin so I have to have this new weird antibotic and just...its all annoying.

I haven't been to TAFE this week because I've been feeling so off. My head isn't above water anymore...I don't know how much longer I'll last at TAFE. I hate even thinking about it.

Food/band related. Well. I really want to use a swear word right now.
Apparently I have 3mls in my band already!!! The doc looked at my surgery notes and she said the band was apparently loose in surgery so they put 3mls in. I CERTAINLY can not feel anything. And I asked if I could get a fill earlier and she said no, I had to wait for 6 weeks to heal properly. Thats fair enough...but I'm worried I'll pile weight on.
I had lost 5kg since surgery. I have put on 1.5kg. What an amazing failure I am huh.

You know what gets me down the most? I don't have the energy to make the effort. I can't be bothered to care about what I eat. Honestly...I just don't care. Yes I would LOVE to be slim and happy...but I've done diets. I've tried healthy eating. I hate it all. I JUST want to feel full. I really do. And I want to feel full from a small amount. I know I should be watching what I eat but I am so exhausted with life right now...its not first on my list.

I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm so lost. I'm wondering when life will sort itself out. How come some people get to sail through life, and others find it so hard? I just don't think I'll ever be normal.


  1. You're not a failure, apparently it's normal, gaining some weight back. I've gained some back too, and am now fighting to get back to where I was (apparently I have 2.5 cc in my band but you'd never know it!). So I don't feel full from a small amount either. We just have to hang in until we can get our fills...don't give up! You're just at the beginning of this journey.

  2. Your not a failure. Just take a step back and stop putting so much pressure on yourself!!!

    The band is not an overnight fix (unfortunately!) and we have to learn to be patient....

    The people who sail through life usually are just working harder to cover their flaws..well that's my theory and I'm sticking to it!!


  3. Your not failing, your in emotional turmoil at the moment and you need to stand up strong and get past this.

    I had 3ml in my band at the start and i could eat anything i wanted when i went onto solids and even in the mushie stage everything was so easy. I hate diets but you do need to have discipline with this, its only a tool, you need to use it to its full capabilities and the band cant do it on its own it needs your help.

    you know in your heart that you have done the right thing you just need to stay strong and push past the negative :)


  4. 'I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm so lost.'

    This is why you are feeling like a failure. As soon as you feel better and get some sleep you will be able to feel so much better.

    And BTW, mushies is not the stage that a lot of weight loss happens. It is the time when you are still healing and your body has been dealing with such low calorie intake for so long that it holds on to everything that goes in.

    Once you are able to eat proper foods again, then you will see the weight come off.

    you will make it!!!!!